Cheap Thrills

Money is tight at my house these days. Really tight. So is energy. The longer I remain unemployed, the tougher it seems to pack up the sand toys and tricycle and walk to the park, or to make lunches and head over to Sea World. Still, I'm finding ways to have good times with my daughter, hopefully making memories that she will reflect fondly on.

Violet's pick up time at day care is at the same time they serve snack. It's sometimes tough to get her out the door. I can completely understand. It isn't fair that she has to go home, while everyone else is getting juice and crackers.

We have developed a little mommy/daughter tradition. Our McDonald's sells a huge drink for .89. After I pick Violet up, we hit the drive through and get a lemonade or soda for me, and a small water for Violet. Violet loves getting to have the same kind of cup as her mommy, and to use a big girl straw. After she gets tired of drinking her water, she does back seat experiments with the straw and usually ends up pouring the water all over the place. It's fine because we are headed home, and it's only water. For under a buck we get to share a special experience, and Violet thinks McDonald's only sells drinks.

Do you have a "thing" you do with your child, to make your time with them a little more special?

My Nasty Secret

I want to make a confession.

I smoke cigarettes.

Yep, dirty, nasty, expensive cigarettes.

I started smoking in high school. When I was in my early twenties I made a promise to my dentist, that I would quit before I turned 30.

And I did.

Quiting smoking is on the short list of hardest things I have ever done (along with finishing law school as a single mom and leaving a dysfunctional relationship). I worked with my doctor, made a plan, took Welbutrin, wore patches, used nicotine gum and relied on amazing network of people who loved me. Even with so much support in place it was awful.

Over the next 3+ years, I smoked exactly four cigarettes. Not too shabby.

I had my daughter on the first day of a new semester. I started bumming cigarettes from people between classes. Then someone told me about a place that still sold bidis. In a fit of nostalgia, I bought a pack. Then another. I told myself that they weren't really cigarettes. I kept buying bidis. I kept buying them until the store sold out. Then I bought a pack of Cloves. Again, they weren't really cigarettes. Then the FDA exercised their newfound power over tobacco, and outlawed the sale of Cloves. I went back to bumming. Eventually I broke down and bought a pack of real cigarettes. Then another. Then a carton.

I told myself I would quit after I took the bar exam.

And I did.

This time, I quit cold turkey. I had been ramping up to a quit date, but when someone offered me $10 for my last pack of cigarettes, I took it as a opportunity. I quit. And I was fine. For weeks and weeks I didn't smoke and it didn't even suck.

Then life overwhelmed me. Like a tsunami, it swallowed me whole. I was gasping, not for air, but for smoke. I went back to bumming. The best place to bum cigarettes is in front of an AA meeting. Not only are there scores of smokers, but the cigarette comes with welcome reminders to live on day at a time. It's a double whammy of solace.

Today I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked three in a row.

I'm not writing this because I am proud of it. I'm ashamed of it. It's bad enough to be won over by such a nasty addiction. It's even worse to carry a kit of breath mints, smelly lotions and Febreeze to prevent anyone from finding out that I'm a failure.

I'm writing this because I want to be free of my shame.

I'm human. I'm not good resisting this temptation. As soon as I click submit, it will be out there for everyone to know. It's not my nasty secret any more. Now it's just my nasty habit.

I plan to try to quit again. There is no harm in trying. And now, there is no shame in failing.

Are you human too? Are you ready to stop being ashamed of it? What is your nasty little secret?

The Perfect Storm

"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
William Ward

This is my first time blogging. Well, kind of. I've been blogging in my mind for years. When I was younger, I dreamed of being a professional writer. For as long as I can remember, I've been writing, refining, editing, and re-writing all kinds of things in my mind. For the past year or so I've been mentally blogging on my commute.

What changed today that suddenly made me commit pen to paper, er, fingers to keyboard? I have no idea. Maybe it is because someone reminded me that no matter how bad things are, I still deserve time to nurture myself. Maybe it is because I've been reading more blogs lately. Or maybe it is because I want to deal with my life in a more positive manner.

For most of my life, my emotions swung around like a tether ball- up and down, fast and slow, oftentimes getting twisted and tangled. I felt whatever I believed, and I didn't know that I could change what I believed. In 2008, while I was pregnant with my daughter, that all changed. I finally WANTED to feel different and sought tools to make it happen. It hasn't been a perfect journey but I have come a REALLY long way. The quote above, by William Ward, has been a reality check-in for me. When I feel like I have a problem, it helps remind me that it is actually just a situation. That negative "problem" feeling is something I impose on my situation, but it's just a feeling. In reality things aren't so much bad or good, they just are.

In the past few months I have faced an onslaught of changes in my situation. I continued sailing right along, knowing that my lot was not going to be improved by perceiving these changes as crisis. So, even though I had a lot more responsibility to manage, I was making adjustments and plotting my way toward gentler currents.

Then, on Sunday morning, I had an argument with someone I had been trying to extricate from my life. And poof, after so much waiting and wondering how it would eventually happen, it was done. The thorn was out of my side. And then the tears came. And came. And came. It's Tuesday night and they are still coming. Being able to despise that relationship had been like cork, holding all of the negative feelings about everything else at bay. Without the relationship to blame, all of my pent up emotions turned my little sailboat into a sinking ship. Instead of bailing it out and getting back on course, I've abandoned ship and am floating aimlessly on a life raft. Sometimes I try to paddle, but I'm just going in circles.

What do you do when your life gets off balance and you are feeling hopeless and painted in a corner? How do you get back in touch with peace and calm? Does anyone have a compass?